Unintentional Pride

Before I had accepted Christ less than a year ago, I had always felt that i needed to rely on my own strength.  Whether it be something as small as studying for an exam, to other more significant hardships; I never felt comfortable asking for help.  Growing up, i feel like my parents never made it clear that they were there to help (whether or not they ever thought of that).  My family, we live in peace and dont fight if ever, but that's really it.  It's not that I dont love and look to them, because i do, with all my heart, but sometimes I feel as if we're missing something.  But because of this, when hardships came, I learned to take it on myself.  When my parents didnt notice that I was struggling with something i felt resentful and i knew my heart calloused towards them and i felt like they never cared enough to help. Soon, I got to the point where I thought it'd be useless to tell them, so i put on my smile and it was like nothing was ever wrong.  So it was partially my fault, the distance that I feel in my family.  But also my morals and ethics, my priorities in life, but most of all my faith, made me feel so alienated from them.  I eventually got to the point where relying on myself was all I knew how to do.  

When I look back, I always wonder, how did i turn out to become who I am now. I dont regret everything that I went through, all the thoughts and experiences, it made me to be a much stronger, independent person that's able to find joy in the smallest things.  But, how did I not turn into the exact opposite, so bitter and angry at the world, like i should have.  And everytime, I come down to the same answer; It had to be God.  Somehow, for reasons I'll never know why besides how much He loves his children, He was watching over me even when I wasn't sure He existed.  He kept me sane through it all to later reflect His love to others.
Now fast forward to my 18th year.  Throughout the year, I've come to love my brothers and sisters like a family that I've always wanted to have.  All I can say is God is too good.  He knew I needed them.  I needed them to soften my heart, to feel a sense of belonging, and to have a group of amazing people to support me when more hard times were going to come.  And yet, i didnt realize until a few days ago, that I'd been reverting back to my old ways.  Here, I had the most wonderful people offer everything and anything they could to help me out, and yet i turned a blind eye to them.  God had provided more than i could have ever asked for, but in my pride even as helpless as i felt inside, I didnt accept it.  I guess i was so used to be in a position to giving my heart out to others, to help them in whatever they needed, but when i was struggling i couldnt get myself to embrace the help i was given.
Last night, I had a friend who texted me a passage in Ephesians and after reading through that, I saw some highlighter marks that seeped through.  So I went back to see what exactly I had highlighted and i couldnt help but smile.  I remember reading Ephesians 3: 16-19 "that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, s that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filed with the fullness of God".  and i thought, wow, God's love for us, is so...amazing, I hope i never forget this.  Whether it be answered prayers through the passages I come upon, to providing the people I so desperately needed, i've been shown nothing but God's love.  The passages I've read somehow was always something I could relate to in my current struggles.  My brothers and sisters's actions and words of encouragement have done nothing but reflect His love for all of us.  And, my unintentional pride blinded me from something that wonderful; but thankfully it was only temporary. How can I not smile in tears, when my Father literally showed me His unending love in every way possible until I finally got it.

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

-Chris Tomlin (How Can I Keep From Singing)

One down, eleven more to go

the first cycle of chemo is done.  andd tbh, i'm not reallysure what to think about it.  when my mom first went in to get the first pump of drugs, i was coming back down from foster city in norcal so i didnt get to see her until she was already home hooked up to the pump.  But until wednesday, i knew how much she didnt like having a pump on her that beeped all the time.  She told me she could feel the drugs go through her and how weird it felt.  And also she described the sensitivity she had towards everything she ate or touched.  Anything a little more hot or cold, it would make her feel numb.  Nausea was in an out, loss of appetite...etc. the never ending list of side effects go on and on.  During those few days, i thought about all the side effects and how it was the just the first cycle.  Will it get progressively worse as my mom gets weaker when the drugs slowly kill the cells in her body?? am i just seeing a preview of what is yet to come? finally, wednesday came along, i took my mom to the hospital to unhook the pump of drugs and i felt relieved.

Every day at around 7:30pm me and my mom take a walk around the neighborhood.  It's something we started right after her surgery, and ever since, I've been trying to encourage her to do it.  A little fresh air and blood circulation never hurt anybody.  for me, I want to make sure she gets up and stay active since she still can and i cant help but be grateful that we always get a chance to just talk about the most random things.  Then again, sometimes I wonder, how much does she actually want to take these walks with me? Or is it just me subconsciously trying so hard to keep the image of my mom before the chemo takes more out of her.  I'm not sure anymore but what i do know, is how much I hate or scared of change.  Especially change for the worse.  I always thought of myself pretty open to it, but now i think it's something I have a hard time with.  It hurts every time i think of how much change my family will have to endure.  But what scares me the most, is how scared I am that I might loose hope and faith like i did earlier in the summer.  I mean it's good that I'm aware now, so I can try to avoid it again, but somehow i know it's going to be a long and rough road.  Like I said before, what happened on the I-5 was something I really needed.  And now that I think about it, it cant be any more true.  Had I not been shown God's power, love, soveiregnty, and reminded of the hope I have in Christ out there on the way down from SF, how discouraged would I be right now??  I guess it just comes to show how great His timing is and how much He loves us and cares about every prayer we send to Him.  I can only pray that I keep this mind set as the cycles and the hardships keep on coming.  

Preciousness of Life

After the freshman road trip to sanfran and back and our incident on the I-5, I came to realize, first hand, the preciousness of life.  I mean it's not that I didnt realize the gravity of my mom's situation, trust me i did.  But when you encounter an accident that could very well have turned to devastating what ifs, I feel like I was enlightened by how easily life can be taken away.  And how little power we have over our lives, no matter what we invent or try to do, God's in ultimate control.  

I know it doesnt help, replaying what i saw, but yet I cant help but do so. I thought of what I saw and what happened and I played every second of it on my mind.  From when I saw the road going at a normal 75ish, to when i hit something flew off the road and into the grass next to us spinning and spinning, I replayed everything I thought.  All i remembered was when the dirt first hit up and we started to spin, I thought “Oh God please help us” I thought about jono next to me, I thought about tim and sam behind me and I was terrified to think what might happen to them.  Yet something about that terror, I also felt God’s presense.  I look back at it with the physics, with only my 4 totalled tires...and I thought...I should have flipped in that car.  There’s no way we should have all come out with nothing but a few bruises and a rush of adrenaline.  Yet, I truly believe It had to be God there with us.  Some how He helped me steer the car so that we did not flip.  Whatever He did, He kept us out of harm's way. He really came through as He always does, with his promise that “He will never forsake us” (Hebrews 13:5) even in those 10 secounds.  After I got out of the car, I could not help but feel that same terror that I saw in Phil and Catherine’s eyes as they ran towards us.  

When I got back the next morning, the first thing I got waking up after 10 hours of sleep, was a hug from my mom.  All she did was whisper "I was so worried..." and i felt the tears fall. I knew what happened made her worry, and I felt so bad for it.  She had enough to worry about, and I kept asking myself why did my family have to go through it.  As for me, I feel like after getting the news of my mom's cancer, I was slowly starting to loose faith.  I was able to read the Word, and have encouraging talks with my brothers and sisters, but it was still hard for me.  I hated seeing my mom wasting away, i hated going to the hospital to see others going through the same thing, and it just hurt all around.  Since hearing of the news, I havnt slept well, I was so physically tired, mentally and spiritually drained that I prayed so hard that this literal retreat with my class would revive me.  As usual, God did nothing but provide what I needed.  Being able to eat sleep and live with my brothers and sisters revived the hope that I was so lacking this summer.  Even down to the church service at Nick's church, was perfect in what I needed to hear.  And now I realize, even that incident on the I-5, was necessary for me to experience.  I felt what it was like first hand to not have any control of my own life and let it fall in the hands of God.  And because He didnt leave our side, and kept us safe through it all, I have hope in his power and sovereignty that he wont forsake my family as we trudge through this.  I feel that He knew i needed or we all needed (refering to my class) something as traumatic as this to help each other grow stronger in our hope and faith in Him and He showed us in the most perfect way possible