the first cycle of chemo is done. andd tbh, i'm not reallysure what to think about it. when my mom first went in to get the first pump of drugs, i was coming back down from foster city in norcal so i didnt get to see her until she was already home hooked up to the pump. But until wednesday, i knew how much she didnt like having a pump on her that beeped all the time. She told me she could feel the drugs go through her and how weird it felt. And also she described the sensitivity she had towards everything she ate or touched. Anything a little more hot or cold, it would make her feel numb. Nausea was in an out, loss of appetite...etc. the never ending list of side effects go on and on. During those few days, i thought about all the side effects and how it was the just the first cycle. Will it get progressively worse as my mom gets weaker when the drugs slowly kill the cells in her body?? am i just seeing a preview of what is yet to come? finally, wednesday came along, i took my mom to the hospital to unhook the pump of drugs and i felt relieved.
Every day at around 7:30pm me and my mom take a walk around the neighborhood. It's something we started right after her surgery, and ever since, I've been trying to encourage her to do it. A little fresh air and blood circulation never hurt anybody. for me, I want to make sure she gets up and stay active since she still can and i cant help but be grateful that we always get a chance to just talk about the most random things. Then again, sometimes I wonder, how much does she actually want to take these walks with me? Or is it just me subconsciously trying so hard to keep the image of my mom before the chemo takes more out of her. I'm not sure anymore but what i do know, is how much I hate or scared of change. Especially change for the worse. I always thought of myself pretty open to it, but now i think it's something I have a hard time with. It hurts every time i think of how much change my family will have to endure. But what scares me the most, is how scared I am that I might loose hope and faith like i did earlier in the summer. I mean it's good that I'm aware now, so I can try to avoid it again, but somehow i know it's going to be a long and rough road. Like I said before, what happened on the I-5 was something I really needed. And now that I think about it, it cant be any more true. Had I not been shown God's power, love, soveiregnty, and reminded of the hope I have in Christ out there on the way down from SF, how discouraged would I be right now?? I guess it just comes to show how great His timing is and how much He loves us and cares about every prayer we send to Him. I can only pray that I keep this mind set as the cycles and the hardships keep on coming.
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