We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
recently, two dear friends of mine showed this song to me, Blessings by Laura Story. Literally when this song started playing, and i listened to the lyrics, i couldnt help but break down and cry. i felt like this song really did capture everything i was thinking and helped remind me of what i needed to remember. It also reminded me of a chapter in Philippians about thanksgiving...and i thought...what do i have to be thankful for??? and surprisingly it wasnt hard to find many things. i thot how lucky i was to be able to be home to take care of my family, had i done the classes at irvine i wouldnt be able to take care of them...i also thot how thankful i was for having the heart to accept Christ and for my brothers and sisters. before aacf, i had put up walls, my heart was calloused, and it was hard for me to truly trust anyone. i wasnt expecting anything my freshman year...but i feel like everyone in aacf, they broke down those walls and softened my heart. they made me feel comfortable to trust others and that i wouldnt be hurt after making myself vulnerable. the relationships that i was able to make this year was so helpful in this time of hardship. but most of all, i have the hope and the faith in God that He's soveriegn and will take care of everything. I just need to remember that through this journey. I guess this entire year, my freshman year, was God's way of providing, preparing me for what would happen later on.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Results from the Operation
After a week of waiting it out, trying to act as if nothing was really wrong, it was time to go see the results. i wont lie, i was so anxious...i did not know what to expect or think. i remember i prayed that it would turn out cancer didnt spread or the only thing cancerous was the part taken out, but then i thot this isnt what i should be praying for. it's what i want, but not what God knows is best for me. i remember i wanted to pray for God to let whatever He thought was best for me and my family happen, but in my heart i knew i just wanted all the cancer to go away, i wanted to see my mom healthy and get away from all of this. before this, i never realized how hard it was to surrender to God, to surrender our humanly wants to what is best for us. i heard about it in the services i go to, i even heard other people talk about it in large groups, but i never had to really go through anything that really required me to fight against myself. it's so hard when ur torn apart from asking for the harder but right thing compared to asking for something you want, even tho it's not right. it's a challenge that i was still working on, i wanted to have the strength to get over that want to have my way, and not HIs.
so i was there when the surgeon explained the results. turned out they found the cancer in the lymph nodes around the colon and that the cancer probably spread. i may only have gotten passed bio 93 and 94, but i know that isnt good. I was nothing less than devastated. I tried so hard to trust in Him that everything was going to be ok, only to have the worst thing that i could imagine happen. i thot how could this be good for me? how could this much pain for everyone in my family be good?? i remember during spring quarter, i wanted to witness to my family. i wanted to show them how much joy i found in Him and how much He's grown me in just a year. but how could i do this when i was having a hard time with my own faith.. i didnt understand or mayb i didnt want to understand why He was doing this. it took me awhile, a couple days i think...of just confusion, anger, etc. etc. to realize my ignorance. no matter how hard i try, i wont and never will understand why this was happening, and it isnt for me to understand. having admitted that, i went back to reading the Word, and i found something that i had book marked a long time ago...Hebrews 13:5 "I will never leave you nor forsake you" and then i remembered why i chose this verse...i remember thinking just incase i forget. funny how God works in that way, sending reminders along the way when i forget about His mercy and His grace are enough.
because of the results, my mom has to start chemo. when given the options, she was given the option of participating in a clinical trial. whether it be 6 or 12 cycles of chemo every two weeks and with another drug or placebo, so total of 4 options. or go with the traditional 12 cycles of chemo. i remember my mom asking me what she should do...and i thot this is not something for me to decide...i cant take the responsibility for that decision...i already have so much at home without this on my shoulders but that just broke my heart knowing i couldnt do anything about it. when i found out my mom was starting chemo on aug 1, it finally hit me that there was no turning back now. what happened, happened, and i really have to keep my chin up, smile on for my fam. atleast while i'm at home, do what i can to take care of them...there's no time to break down and cry unless i was by myself and everyone else is sleeping. i gotta make the best of everything now until probably the hardest part of all this happens and when i have to leave to go back to school.
so i was there when the surgeon explained the results. turned out they found the cancer in the lymph nodes around the colon and that the cancer probably spread. i may only have gotten passed bio 93 and 94, but i know that isnt good. I was nothing less than devastated. I tried so hard to trust in Him that everything was going to be ok, only to have the worst thing that i could imagine happen. i thot how could this be good for me? how could this much pain for everyone in my family be good?? i remember during spring quarter, i wanted to witness to my family. i wanted to show them how much joy i found in Him and how much He's grown me in just a year. but how could i do this when i was having a hard time with my own faith.. i didnt understand or mayb i didnt want to understand why He was doing this. it took me awhile, a couple days i think...of just confusion, anger, etc. etc. to realize my ignorance. no matter how hard i try, i wont and never will understand why this was happening, and it isnt for me to understand. having admitted that, i went back to reading the Word, and i found something that i had book marked a long time ago...Hebrews 13:5 "I will never leave you nor forsake you" and then i remembered why i chose this verse...i remember thinking just incase i forget. funny how God works in that way, sending reminders along the way when i forget about His mercy and His grace are enough.
because of the results, my mom has to start chemo. when given the options, she was given the option of participating in a clinical trial. whether it be 6 or 12 cycles of chemo every two weeks and with another drug or placebo, so total of 4 options. or go with the traditional 12 cycles of chemo. i remember my mom asking me what she should do...and i thot this is not something for me to decide...i cant take the responsibility for that decision...i already have so much at home without this on my shoulders but that just broke my heart knowing i couldnt do anything about it. when i found out my mom was starting chemo on aug 1, it finally hit me that there was no turning back now. what happened, happened, and i really have to keep my chin up, smile on for my fam. atleast while i'm at home, do what i can to take care of them...there's no time to break down and cry unless i was by myself and everyone else is sleeping. i gotta make the best of everything now until probably the hardest part of all this happens and when i have to leave to go back to school.
so what's next...
As the title says, i wondered what's next? what happens next when you find out your mom has cancer. i had to take my mom to the surgeon, since my dad couldnt make it cuz he had to work. she wanted me to read all i could about cancer and literally take a crash course to know what to ask the surgeon and other doctors. i mean yea, i've wanted to become a doctor for a long time, i wanted to work with cancer as well, but i never thought i'd have to learn this way, out of necessity. so during the meeting with surgeon he told us about what he'd have to do. he had to perform a hand-assisted laparoscopic colectemy. well isnt that a mouthful to say...but no matter...basically it means he had to cut out the affected part of the colon and the surrounding lymph nodes to be able to fully diagnose the cancer and what not. So after the doctors appointment, i did all the research i could to find out more about colon cancers, the procedure, pre and post op...anything i could find. my mom was under enough stress as is so then i learned as much as i could to help out. the super efficient hospital staff..scheduled the surgery to be June 29th, and yea it was nice to be so quick, but i still felt as if i didnt have the time to let everything sink in. i felt like i just found out my mom had cancer, and then BAM she has to go through a major surgery. i think my entire family took it pretty hard, everything was going fast and we barely had time to let everything sit in...but what can you do when this is all out of your hands...
so the day before the surgery, i got to go visit all the aacf kids during elsa's farewell party. i got to see the people that i had first told about my situation and it was nice to just thank them for everything they've done and the support they've showed me. i think it was something i really needed, a day of just relaxing and funn...and at the time, i really wish i could have stayed in Irvine forever. i wanted to run away from it all, away from the stress and heart break, but i knew i had to take the responsibilities and be there for my family. so i went home, got back late and tried to get some rest before the big day. the next morning, i had to get up bright and early, i took my brother to summer school and met up with my mom right before surgery and waited at the hospital until around 1ish when everything was done. I gotta say, it was one of the hardest 4 hours i've had to endure, with the waiting and uncertainty but luckily i had some time to myself to think, reflect, pray, do hw, sleep because i was so tired. my mom went through the surgery fine with no complications, but it wasnt going to be 5 days until she got out and was ready to go home.
while my mom was at the hospital recovering, either my dad or i was there in the room. the first few days my dad stayed over at the hospital and then i took over the next two days. my stay at the hospital was many things for me. i learned how much it hurt me to see someone that close to my heart, in pain, couldnt move, weak, tired etc. i learned how terrible it felt to be helpless in that sense, i couldnt do anything to relieve the pain, i couldnt get the cancer to go away, i jsut felt helpless and powerless to all of this. but then, i also found a new sense of appreciation for the people that helped my mom. especially the nurses and cna's. they were the ones there on call every 12 hours, they were the ones who helped my mom recover more quickly and just made everything better at the hospital. i remember the nights i was there, everytime a nurse came in to give my mom meds, or give her shots n what not...i'd jolt awake no matter what time of nightt, and i cant forget the one nurse that said "dear, you can go back to sleep, i promise i'll take care of your mom" and at that moment i felt a sense of relief and appreciation for them. so thanks to them and thank you to future nurse...i hope u know all your work is valued :].
after 5 days in the hospital, my mom got to come back home. it meant i had a lot more responsibility, i was on call anytime at night, i had to run more errands and what not since my mom couldnt drive, but it didnt matter as much as having my mom home. but recovery was fast, soon my mom was up and about every once in awhile. and it was alright. at this point, it was now a waiting game. what's the diagnosis? what would happen after?? i wasnt sure what to think. some days i'd think about the worst that could happen, since i've been around cancer before and seen what it's done. some days i stayed optimistic, but no matter what it was a roller coaster of emotions. both physically and emotionally draining and to be honest i havnt had a decent night's rest since i found out about my mom having cancer. but through all this, i was fortunate enough to have time to reflect and pray and then also i had enough time talk to people about what i was going through. i guess when you cant sleep it's one way to use your time wisely...
so the day before the surgery, i got to go visit all the aacf kids during elsa's farewell party. i got to see the people that i had first told about my situation and it was nice to just thank them for everything they've done and the support they've showed me. i think it was something i really needed, a day of just relaxing and funn...and at the time, i really wish i could have stayed in Irvine forever. i wanted to run away from it all, away from the stress and heart break, but i knew i had to take the responsibilities and be there for my family. so i went home, got back late and tried to get some rest before the big day. the next morning, i had to get up bright and early, i took my brother to summer school and met up with my mom right before surgery and waited at the hospital until around 1ish when everything was done. I gotta say, it was one of the hardest 4 hours i've had to endure, with the waiting and uncertainty but luckily i had some time to myself to think, reflect, pray, do hw, sleep because i was so tired. my mom went through the surgery fine with no complications, but it wasnt going to be 5 days until she got out and was ready to go home.
while my mom was at the hospital recovering, either my dad or i was there in the room. the first few days my dad stayed over at the hospital and then i took over the next two days. my stay at the hospital was many things for me. i learned how much it hurt me to see someone that close to my heart, in pain, couldnt move, weak, tired etc. i learned how terrible it felt to be helpless in that sense, i couldnt do anything to relieve the pain, i couldnt get the cancer to go away, i jsut felt helpless and powerless to all of this. but then, i also found a new sense of appreciation for the people that helped my mom. especially the nurses and cna's. they were the ones there on call every 12 hours, they were the ones who helped my mom recover more quickly and just made everything better at the hospital. i remember the nights i was there, everytime a nurse came in to give my mom meds, or give her shots n what not...i'd jolt awake no matter what time of nightt, and i cant forget the one nurse that said "dear, you can go back to sleep, i promise i'll take care of your mom" and at that moment i felt a sense of relief and appreciation for them. so thanks to them and thank you to future nurse...i hope u know all your work is valued :].
after 5 days in the hospital, my mom got to come back home. it meant i had a lot more responsibility, i was on call anytime at night, i had to run more errands and what not since my mom couldnt drive, but it didnt matter as much as having my mom home. but recovery was fast, soon my mom was up and about every once in awhile. and it was alright. at this point, it was now a waiting game. what's the diagnosis? what would happen after?? i wasnt sure what to think. some days i'd think about the worst that could happen, since i've been around cancer before and seen what it's done. some days i stayed optimistic, but no matter what it was a roller coaster of emotions. both physically and emotionally draining and to be honest i havnt had a decent night's rest since i found out about my mom having cancer. but through all this, i was fortunate enough to have time to reflect and pray and then also i had enough time talk to people about what i was going through. i guess when you cant sleep it's one way to use your time wisely...
comfort in affliction
After finding out the situation and being able to let it sit in, i was able to pray and really find some comfort in God. I mean i was still hurt, tired both physically and emotionally, worried, but i still had a chance at some peace. I was looking over my notes that I wrote during the large groups at aacf...and i saw the one about finding joy in suffering by pastor howard. I remember writing down all the verses he had on his ppts but never really having the chance to look through them. So i went through them and it really gave me a new perspective. the verse that stood out to me the most tho was...2Corinthians 1:3-5 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too" i remember asking myself why would i have to go through this pain this unbearable sadness, i mean the God i fell in love with, how could he do this to me? but then i read this verse and i thot, all this isnt in vain, i feel like God's letting me go through the pain the suffering, so that i could grow from it, grown to trust in him more, and also get to help others. heaven forbid someone else has to go through this...but if they do, i'll have the right words to say, the right actions to help them through it. in my experience, empathy really helps...the words you say, if they're straight from the heart because u've been there and done that it only means that much more. God knows my heart, and knows how much I love to see people smile, to help them through their troubles. this is my opportunity to do that...mayb it's not the first thing people find comfort in, but being able to make people smile, helping people makes me really happy and comforts me that all this is not in vain, that there's a reason behind it all.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Introduction
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| my mom's 50th birthday on 4.16.11 |
Fast forward to the week of finals, at the time I didn't know, but one night my mom was feeling terrible so she called her doctor and the doc said to go to the ER. they did an initial physical and couldnt find anything, so they prepped her for a colonoscopy later the next day and when they were going through the large intestines they found this massive polyp. took it off the wall of the intestine...and sent it to pathology to check it out. so the pathology report came back and then they found cancerous cells on the stalk of the polyp. At the time, no one knew anything, did the cancer spread already? was it just the polyp? what stage was the cancer? etc. etc. keep in mind, this is during the saturday before finals week and they decided not to tell me. they didnt tell me until school ended and i came back home. was that for the better? mayb...probably...a friend of mine told me it's probably because they knew i'd drop everything and come home no matter what. and i now that i think of it...i'm pretty sure i would. but anyways, so fast forward to end of finals, when i saw my mom again she told me what happened while i was at school and told me she told me she had cancer. at first i was in shock, i didnt know what to think...i mean i've seen cancer, i'ver seen it in my life more times than i wish, but never has it been this close to my heart. and it didnt hit me until i was telling my good friend about through vidchat and i broke down crying. I havnt cried that hard in a long time, and i guess i was so scared cuz i thot of the worst that could happen, for my mom, my family, for me...it was just hard for me to accept.
freshman year in college, was absolutely amazing for me, i felt like...everything was going well, i felt a joy that i hadnt felt in a long long time after really accepting Christ and learning about him through aacf. but spring quarter came along n it was hard in many ways yet wonderful too. i didnt go home very often cuz i was so busy and it's something... i was gone for 6 weeks thinking how good it would be to go home, but then i came home and my world is turned upside down and i knew it would never quite be the same.
freshman year in college, was absolutely amazing for me, i felt like...everything was going well, i felt a joy that i hadnt felt in a long long time after really accepting Christ and learning about him through aacf. but spring quarter came along n it was hard in many ways yet wonderful too. i didnt go home very often cuz i was so busy and it's something... i was gone for 6 weeks thinking how good it would be to go home, but then i came home and my world is turned upside down and i knew it would never quite be the same.
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