After a week of waiting it out, trying to act as if nothing was really wrong, it was time to go see the results. i wont lie, i was so anxious...i did not know what to expect or think. i remember i prayed that it would turn out cancer didnt spread or the only thing cancerous was the part taken out, but then i thot this isnt what i should be praying for. it's what i want, but not what God knows is best for me. i remember i wanted to pray for God to let whatever He thought was best for me and my family happen, but in my heart i knew i just wanted all the cancer to go away, i wanted to see my mom healthy and get away from all of this. before this, i never realized how hard it was to surrender to God, to surrender our humanly wants to what is best for us. i heard about it in the services i go to, i even heard other people talk about it in large groups, but i never had to really go through anything that really required me to fight against myself. it's so hard when ur torn apart from asking for the harder but right thing compared to asking for something you want, even tho it's not right. it's a challenge that i was still working on, i wanted to have the strength to get over that want to have my way, and not HIs.
so i was there when the surgeon explained the results. turned out they found the cancer in the lymph nodes around the colon and that the cancer probably spread. i may only have gotten passed bio 93 and 94, but i know that isnt good. I was nothing less than devastated. I tried so hard to trust in Him that everything was going to be ok, only to have the worst thing that i could imagine happen. i thot how could this be good for me? how could this much pain for everyone in my family be good?? i remember during spring quarter, i wanted to witness to my family. i wanted to show them how much joy i found in Him and how much He's grown me in just a year. but how could i do this when i was having a hard time with my own faith.. i didnt understand or mayb i didnt want to understand why He was doing this. it took me awhile, a couple days i think...of just confusion, anger, etc. etc. to realize my ignorance. no matter how hard i try, i wont and never will understand why this was happening, and it isnt for me to understand. having admitted that, i went back to reading the Word, and i found something that i had book marked a long time ago...Hebrews 13:5 "I will never leave you nor forsake you" and then i remembered why i chose this verse...i remember thinking just incase i forget. funny how God works in that way, sending reminders along the way when i forget about His mercy and His grace are enough.
because of the results, my mom has to start chemo. when given the options, she was given the option of participating in a clinical trial. whether it be 6 or 12 cycles of chemo every two weeks and with another drug or placebo, so total of 4 options. or go with the traditional 12 cycles of chemo. i remember my mom asking me what she should do...and i thot this is not something for me to decide...i cant take the responsibility for that decision...i already have so much at home without this on my shoulders but that just broke my heart knowing i couldnt do anything about it. when i found out my mom was starting chemo on aug 1, it finally hit me that there was no turning back now. what happened, happened, and i really have to keep my chin up, smile on for my fam. atleast while i'm at home, do what i can to take care of them...there's no time to break down and cry unless i was by myself and everyone else is sleeping. i gotta make the best of everything now until probably the hardest part of all this happens and when i have to leave to go back to school.
No comments:
Post a Comment