being at peace with the past and present

It's pretty much been nonstop since school started, from day one of welcome week to the middle of week 6.  With everything that's happened, been happening I find it difficult to recall a time where I was able to just stop and take a breather.  Being this busy does come with its advantages though, I've been able to think about other things instead of dwelling in my problems, I've been able to constantly be encouraged and surrounded by my brothers and sisters around me, of course there's the academics and the studying that comes with it, and even investing time in doing things I love like cooking.  Even with all these things going on, there does come a time when I do get to reflect on all the things that have happened this past summer.  Now that I think of it, goodness it really doesnt matter how you look at it, it's been one heck of a summer.  Not only has a lot happened, granted most of it has to do with my mom having cancer but of course there were other things, I've also gotten to see how much I've changed; my views, my attitudes, my faith, etc. all of which have matured tremendously (not that judging myself is the best way to go, but i'm pretty sure that I have one way or another).  The quote that came to mind first for me was,

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can;and the wisdom to know the difference"

This has always been a favorite quote of mine, the way it sounds, the way it rolls of your tongue, but I guess I never really understood the meaning of it until now.  In the beginning of summer, I obviously did not have the wisdom this quote talks about.  I refused to accept what had happened, I felt helpless in thinking there was nothing I could do to change anything, all in all I was a complete wreck.  At the time, I felt lonely and i was slowly loosing my faith.  But it wasnt until the end of SF trip, where I felt as if God offered a hand to pick me up.   Just a few days with my brothers and sisters was the pick-me-up that God knew I needed.  I mean I only know this now, after looking back and getting to talk to others, but I needed God to love me so much to break me down to only heal me later.  I needed Him to take me all the way to rock bottom in my faith to restore me again in the most perfect way.  I needed him to show me mercy and grace and love like I've never felt before, all in order to mature more in my faith.  I guess sometimes it takes a summer like the last to make me learn so much.  


In a past post, I mentioned that I prayed to God to use me as someone who can use what I've learned to help others, whether they're going through the same things, or just someone who needs an ear.  and God has been way too good.  I've had chances to share what I've learned with people who mean so much to me, I've had chances to apply what I've learned only to be more encouraged about how good God is.  Although I am far from reaching pure serenity as the quote above says, I know I am feeling more at peace with the what had happened in the past and what is happening in the present.  Sometimes I have a tendency to revert back, trying to fix everything that's going on, but I quickly remind myself that it's out of my control.  But what I can change is my attitude and heart towards the situation.  I can change from wallowing in my heartbreak and suffering to finding Joy in the little things that are so often overlooked.  But most of all, I can change whether or not I put my faith in God and remind myself that He does what He does because He loves me.

God, I can't be more thankful for what You do for me <3  

A Fork in the Road

Recently, I've been reading through the gospel of Mark, an advice from a dear friend of mine.  And as I was reading, I came across chapter 13, the chapter with all the parables.  Then something sparked in my head from being way too excited because I remember our aacf theme last year about the hidden treasure so i skipped to verse 44 just to read it and tried to remember everything I've been blessed to learn.  But then I went back to the other verses, reading through them and letting them soak in my head until i came across the explanation of the parable of the sower, verse 18-23.  

Hear then the parable of the sower: when anyone hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what has been sown in his heart.  This is what was sown along the path.  As for what was sown on rocky ground, this is the one who hears the word and immediately recieves it with joy, yet he has no root in himself, but endures for a while, and when tribulation of persecution arises on account of the word, immediately he falls away.  As for what was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful.  As for what was sown on good soil, this is the one who hears the word and understands it.  He indeed bears fruits and yields, in one case a hundred fold, in another sixty, and in another thirty.  

After reading through the verses, I could not help but think about my own faith and I asked myself which category did i fall into? first category being someone who has the seed planted, but not actively pursuing a meaningful relationship with God, just passively learning along with the mass along with the norm, and being luke warm about their faith.  second category, have the seed planted with a rocky foundation so that when trials and tribulations come, they fall out of their faith.  Almost like they didnt understand what comes along with being Christian.  The accepted it when emotions run high, or when they assume it is a cakewalk etc.  Yet, being a Christian is no easy task.  Having to sacrifice anything and everything for Him and His glory, is one of the most difficult things to sincerely do.  third category, when the seed is planted, but the thorns being worldly things, all of a sudden become the priority and more appealing than having a Christ-lead life.  Soon the big picture is lost and eventually their faith doesnt last.  Lastly, there's the seed that's been planted in good soil, where the foundation is strong, the surroundings are ideal in helping the seed bear fruit, and their is an undestanding of what it means to be christian and an active passion to strive for God no matter the hardships.
So i thought, where do i fall into this?? Coming to the faith recently, I think i'm in the middle of a test, almost like a fork in the road where i could go either way.  This summer has been full of trials, mainly with my mom having cancer and of course other things at the same time, and i think i can fall into category two or four (the rocky soil, or good soil) with everything that has been going on.  There have been days where I want to give up in self-pity and question what I have learned about God and His love.  Yet, there are other saving days where I feel like I have to keep going, not just for myself but as an example for my family and friends to help encourage others who are going through rough times.  These are the days, that somehow even though all the heart ache I can feel God's comforting love, like when a friend gives you a genuine hug and doesnt let go and all of time seems to pause for a little bit, just enough to know how much He loves us, even if we dont understand the suffering that comes with it.  The future is definitely uncertain, but I look back on this past year, and i cant help but smile knowing how far i've come.  With seeing that, I have faith in the foundation that God has given me through aacf, berean, my brothers and sisters, and even my past experiences. I am so thankful for it all, the encouragements and hard lessons learned, because only through Him that i can stay on the right side of the fork in the road.  

Unintentional Pride

Before I had accepted Christ less than a year ago, I had always felt that i needed to rely on my own strength.  Whether it be something as small as studying for an exam, to other more significant hardships; I never felt comfortable asking for help.  Growing up, i feel like my parents never made it clear that they were there to help (whether or not they ever thought of that).  My family, we live in peace and dont fight if ever, but that's really it.  It's not that I dont love and look to them, because i do, with all my heart, but sometimes I feel as if we're missing something.  But because of this, when hardships came, I learned to take it on myself.  When my parents didnt notice that I was struggling with something i felt resentful and i knew my heart calloused towards them and i felt like they never cared enough to help. Soon, I got to the point where I thought it'd be useless to tell them, so i put on my smile and it was like nothing was ever wrong.  So it was partially my fault, the distance that I feel in my family.  But also my morals and ethics, my priorities in life, but most of all my faith, made me feel so alienated from them.  I eventually got to the point where relying on myself was all I knew how to do.  

When I look back, I always wonder, how did i turn out to become who I am now. I dont regret everything that I went through, all the thoughts and experiences, it made me to be a much stronger, independent person that's able to find joy in the smallest things.  But, how did I not turn into the exact opposite, so bitter and angry at the world, like i should have.  And everytime, I come down to the same answer; It had to be God.  Somehow, for reasons I'll never know why besides how much He loves his children, He was watching over me even when I wasn't sure He existed.  He kept me sane through it all to later reflect His love to others.
Now fast forward to my 18th year.  Throughout the year, I've come to love my brothers and sisters like a family that I've always wanted to have.  All I can say is God is too good.  He knew I needed them.  I needed them to soften my heart, to feel a sense of belonging, and to have a group of amazing people to support me when more hard times were going to come.  And yet, i didnt realize until a few days ago, that I'd been reverting back to my old ways.  Here, I had the most wonderful people offer everything and anything they could to help me out, and yet i turned a blind eye to them.  God had provided more than i could have ever asked for, but in my pride even as helpless as i felt inside, I didnt accept it.  I guess i was so used to be in a position to giving my heart out to others, to help them in whatever they needed, but when i was struggling i couldnt get myself to embrace the help i was given.
Last night, I had a friend who texted me a passage in Ephesians and after reading through that, I saw some highlighter marks that seeped through.  So I went back to see what exactly I had highlighted and i couldnt help but smile.  I remember reading Ephesians 3: 16-19 "that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, s that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filed with the fullness of God".  and i thought, wow, God's love for us, is so...amazing, I hope i never forget this.  Whether it be answered prayers through the passages I come upon, to providing the people I so desperately needed, i've been shown nothing but God's love.  The passages I've read somehow was always something I could relate to in my current struggles.  My brothers and sisters's actions and words of encouragement have done nothing but reflect His love for all of us.  And, my unintentional pride blinded me from something that wonderful; but thankfully it was only temporary. How can I not smile in tears, when my Father literally showed me His unending love in every way possible until I finally got it.

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

-Chris Tomlin (How Can I Keep From Singing)

One down, eleven more to go

the first cycle of chemo is done.  andd tbh, i'm not reallysure what to think about it.  when my mom first went in to get the first pump of drugs, i was coming back down from foster city in norcal so i didnt get to see her until she was already home hooked up to the pump.  But until wednesday, i knew how much she didnt like having a pump on her that beeped all the time.  She told me she could feel the drugs go through her and how weird it felt.  And also she described the sensitivity she had towards everything she ate or touched.  Anything a little more hot or cold, it would make her feel numb.  Nausea was in an out, loss of appetite...etc. the never ending list of side effects go on and on.  During those few days, i thought about all the side effects and how it was the just the first cycle.  Will it get progressively worse as my mom gets weaker when the drugs slowly kill the cells in her body?? am i just seeing a preview of what is yet to come? finally, wednesday came along, i took my mom to the hospital to unhook the pump of drugs and i felt relieved.

Every day at around 7:30pm me and my mom take a walk around the neighborhood.  It's something we started right after her surgery, and ever since, I've been trying to encourage her to do it.  A little fresh air and blood circulation never hurt anybody.  for me, I want to make sure she gets up and stay active since she still can and i cant help but be grateful that we always get a chance to just talk about the most random things.  Then again, sometimes I wonder, how much does she actually want to take these walks with me? Or is it just me subconsciously trying so hard to keep the image of my mom before the chemo takes more out of her.  I'm not sure anymore but what i do know, is how much I hate or scared of change.  Especially change for the worse.  I always thought of myself pretty open to it, but now i think it's something I have a hard time with.  It hurts every time i think of how much change my family will have to endure.  But what scares me the most, is how scared I am that I might loose hope and faith like i did earlier in the summer.  I mean it's good that I'm aware now, so I can try to avoid it again, but somehow i know it's going to be a long and rough road.  Like I said before, what happened on the I-5 was something I really needed.  And now that I think about it, it cant be any more true.  Had I not been shown God's power, love, soveiregnty, and reminded of the hope I have in Christ out there on the way down from SF, how discouraged would I be right now??  I guess it just comes to show how great His timing is and how much He loves us and cares about every prayer we send to Him.  I can only pray that I keep this mind set as the cycles and the hardships keep on coming.  

Preciousness of Life

After the freshman road trip to sanfran and back and our incident on the I-5, I came to realize, first hand, the preciousness of life.  I mean it's not that I didnt realize the gravity of my mom's situation, trust me i did.  But when you encounter an accident that could very well have turned to devastating what ifs, I feel like I was enlightened by how easily life can be taken away.  And how little power we have over our lives, no matter what we invent or try to do, God's in ultimate control.  

I know it doesnt help, replaying what i saw, but yet I cant help but do so. I thought of what I saw and what happened and I played every second of it on my mind.  From when I saw the road going at a normal 75ish, to when i hit something flew off the road and into the grass next to us spinning and spinning, I replayed everything I thought.  All i remembered was when the dirt first hit up and we started to spin, I thought “Oh God please help us” I thought about jono next to me, I thought about tim and sam behind me and I was terrified to think what might happen to them.  Yet something about that terror, I also felt God’s presense.  I look back at it with the physics, with only my 4 totalled tires...and I thought...I should have flipped in that car.  There’s no way we should have all come out with nothing but a few bruises and a rush of adrenaline.  Yet, I truly believe It had to be God there with us.  Some how He helped me steer the car so that we did not flip.  Whatever He did, He kept us out of harm's way. He really came through as He always does, with his promise that “He will never forsake us” (Hebrews 13:5) even in those 10 secounds.  After I got out of the car, I could not help but feel that same terror that I saw in Phil and Catherine’s eyes as they ran towards us.  

When I got back the next morning, the first thing I got waking up after 10 hours of sleep, was a hug from my mom.  All she did was whisper "I was so worried..." and i felt the tears fall. I knew what happened made her worry, and I felt so bad for it.  She had enough to worry about, and I kept asking myself why did my family have to go through it.  As for me, I feel like after getting the news of my mom's cancer, I was slowly starting to loose faith.  I was able to read the Word, and have encouraging talks with my brothers and sisters, but it was still hard for me.  I hated seeing my mom wasting away, i hated going to the hospital to see others going through the same thing, and it just hurt all around.  Since hearing of the news, I havnt slept well, I was so physically tired, mentally and spiritually drained that I prayed so hard that this literal retreat with my class would revive me.  As usual, God did nothing but provide what I needed.  Being able to eat sleep and live with my brothers and sisters revived the hope that I was so lacking this summer.  Even down to the church service at Nick's church, was perfect in what I needed to hear.  And now I realize, even that incident on the I-5, was necessary for me to experience.  I felt what it was like first hand to not have any control of my own life and let it fall in the hands of God.  And because He didnt leave our side, and kept us safe through it all, I have hope in his power and sovereignty that he wont forsake my family as we trudge through this.  I feel that He knew i needed or we all needed (refering to my class) something as traumatic as this to help each other grow stronger in our hope and faith in Him and He showed us in the most perfect way possible

thanksgiving for the blessings given

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

recently, two dear friends of mine showed this song to me, Blessings by Laura Story.  Literally when this song started playing, and i listened to the lyrics, i couldnt help but break down and cry.  i felt like this song really did capture everything i was thinking and helped remind me of what i needed to remember.  It also reminded me of a chapter in Philippians about thanksgiving...and i thought...what do i have to be thankful for??? and surprisingly it wasnt hard to find many things.  i thot how lucky i was to be able to be home to take care of my family, had i done the classes at irvine i wouldnt be able to take care of them...i also thot how thankful i was for having the heart to accept Christ and for my brothers and sisters.  before aacf, i had put up walls, my heart was calloused, and it was hard for me to truly trust anyone.  i wasnt expecting anything my freshman year...but i feel like everyone in aacf, they broke down those walls and softened my heart.  they made me feel comfortable to trust others and that i wouldnt be hurt after making myself vulnerable.  the relationships that i was able to make this year was so helpful in this time of hardship.  but most of all, i have the hope and the faith in God that He's soveriegn and will take care of everything.  I just need to remember that through this journey.  I guess this entire year, my freshman year, was God's way of providing, preparing me for what would happen later on.  

Results from the Operation

After a week of waiting it out, trying to act as if nothing was really wrong, it was time to go see the results.  i wont lie, i was so anxious...i did not know what to expect or think.  i remember i prayed that it would turn out cancer didnt spread or the only thing cancerous was the part taken out, but then i thot this isnt what i should be praying for.  it's what i want, but not what God knows is best for me.  i remember i wanted to pray for God to let whatever He thought was best for me and my family happen, but in my heart i knew i just wanted all the cancer to go away, i wanted to see my mom healthy and get away from all of this.  before this, i never realized how hard it was to surrender to God, to surrender our humanly wants to what is best for us.  i heard about it in the services i go to, i even heard other people talk about it in large groups, but i never had to really go through anything that really required me to fight against myself.  it's so hard when ur torn apart from asking for the harder but right thing compared to asking for something you want, even tho it's not right.  it's a challenge that i was still working on, i wanted to have the strength to get over that want to have my way, and not HIs. 


so i was there when the surgeon explained the results.  turned out they found the cancer in the lymph nodes around the colon and that the cancer probably spread.  i may only have gotten passed bio 93 and 94, but i know that isnt good.  I was nothing less than devastated.  I tried so hard to trust in Him that everything was going to be ok, only to have the worst thing that i could imagine happen.  i thot how could this be good for me? how could this much pain for everyone in my family be good?? i remember during spring quarter, i wanted to witness to my family.  i wanted to show them how much joy i found in Him and how much He's grown me in just a year.  but how could i do this when i was having a hard time with my own faith..  i didnt understand or mayb i didnt want to understand why He was doing this.  it took me awhile, a couple days i think...of just confusion, anger, etc. etc. to realize my ignorance.  no matter how hard i try, i wont and never will understand why this was happening, and it isnt for me to understand.  having admitted that, i went back to reading the Word, and i found something that i had book marked a long time ago...Hebrews 13:5 "I will never leave you nor forsake you" and then i remembered why i chose this verse...i remember thinking just incase i forget.  funny how God works in that way, sending reminders along the way when i forget about His mercy and His grace are enough.

because of the results, my mom has to start chemo.  when given the options, she was given the option of participating in a clinical trial.  whether it be 6 or 12 cycles of chemo every two weeks and with another drug or placebo, so total of 4 options.  or go with the traditional 12 cycles of chemo.  i remember my mom asking me what she should do...and i thot this is not something for me to decide...i cant take the responsibility for that decision...i already have so much at home without this on my shoulders but that just broke my heart knowing i couldnt do anything about it.  when i found out my mom was starting chemo on aug 1, it finally hit me that there was no turning back now.  what happened, happened, and i really have to keep my chin up, smile on for my fam.  atleast while i'm at home, do what i can to take care of them...there's no time to break down and cry unless i was by myself and everyone else is sleeping.   i gotta make the best of everything now until probably the hardest part of all this happens and when i have to leave to go back to school.